Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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