You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
