his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
