I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
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