He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
