oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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