they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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