My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
