I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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