I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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