the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
