I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
