true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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