guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
