Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
