I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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