he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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