Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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