I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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