It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
