I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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