since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
