Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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