She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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