Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
