I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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