I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
