the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
