there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
