We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
