this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
