I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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