Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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