i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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