just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
