I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
