I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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