I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
