I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
