I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize