This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she told me i tasted like america
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
