i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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