I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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