____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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