I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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