i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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