how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
