You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
