I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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