Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
