forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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