Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize