Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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