I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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