Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
