a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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