i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
