Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
