Having a random hookup so left but love u
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize