my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
