Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Randomize
