I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
