Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
