Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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