Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
